I never lied before. I lie terribly. My face burns red, and my voice shifts higher. Anyone who knows me knows I can’t lie.
They know I wouldn’t lie.
They thought I wouldn’t lie.
I always planned on coming clean. To release the original truth. I liked him, even if they didn’t. I wanted him in my life. I claimed it was validated in the beginning. They were being stubborn, so they forced me to lie. Maybe they were being stubborn. But lies are still lies.
My secrets were never unfettered from my soul. And one lie (maybe even for a good cause) turned to two. And two lies turned to four (all the while becoming less justified).
And four to eight.
To sixteen.
To thirty-two.
To sixty-four.
To one hundred twenty-eight.
To a crushing mountain inside of my head.
Excuses fumble around my brain for my own sanity. The excuses never even reach my lips. Cause my lies stay hidden and the mountain continues to crush me.
Then his lies to me slip out. Just a pebble at first, but then an avalanche from his own mountain cascades over my mind, soul, heart. I’m hurt: feelings, innocence, trust. I’m bombarded with the lies and secrets I never knew he kept from me. Betrayal pummels me from above.
The avalanche ends, but I fear one misstep will start it again.
Boulders surround me in the rubble. I navigate through them, not knowing what could be on the other side. Not knowing what could still be lurking in the shadows that he prays I don’t notice.
But I’m just as guilty as him. I keep from those who put their trust in me and my “honesty.” I continue piling onto my own mountain. And someday an avalanche will begin. Leaving others in destruction I have caused.