the Trick to
T i m e . . .
I wish for:
holding you back from
Chaining you to your
Can or Can’t be.
Waiting to be
bars made of
locking you inside the
I wish to be Free of
the one who
the one who always gets
have we ever
Given it a
we call it
should we call it
“First up is something white. Of the blinding kind” (Zusak 6). The lights above burn your eyes. You are thrown into a noisy room full of commotion. As you begin to cry, someone in a white coat carries you away to a sink. Water comes out of a faucet. At first, you think they are trying to drown you. Soon, you realize they are simply cleaning you.
What’s happening? you wonder. You try to ask, but no one seems to speak an intelligible language here.
Put me down! you try to shout at these people in white coats.
Finally, the people catch on and place you into the hands of another person. Her hands are soft and her eyes wet, but not sad. They are proud and happy and relieved all at once. You can hear a thumping from her chest and find it soothing. The sound is constant and familiar. Never ceasing. Never slowing. Always ba-dump ba-dump ba-dump. The other noises in the room are still there, but they seem distant now. For all you know, this person may be the only one in the world, but that’s all you need.
Looking up at her eyes, your own tears slow. Your breathing returns to normal. You can hear the thumping from your own chest, syncing up to her’s.
An understanding passes between you and the one holding you. You do not know what it is called. Some words come close, affection, fondness, tenderness, but they are not enough. They don’t capture the protection, the connection, the willingness to sacrifice that emanates from the woman.
The woman makes noises, but nothing you can comprehend. Tears stream down her face in joy. You decide that you must learn the language of these beings. You must communicate with this woman.
That sound, through the rest, sticks out to you. You know it’s the one to describe the understanding.
Love, you think. Love.
You will soon forget this day. You will forget the blinding white light, the cold flowing water, and even the startling loud noises, but you will never forget the understanding. You will never forget the one word to describe the most wonderful feeling in the world.
You will never forget the Love.
Once - I Wished.
i watched them;
gentle manners, their movements - fluid - flawless -
everything that humankind could become, i saw in their faces, their eyes…
I Wished to be like them.
i Wished to LOOK…
like them, petite and graceful and lithe…
i Wished to speak-
like them, words curling, flailing, shimmering off their
i Wished to comfort them,
to step from the shadows, gently t r a c e-
e r a s e-
the faults and craters of sorrow from their faces, their perfect, human
i Wished to understand them:
to comprehend their story, whispers behind the melancholy, i-
Wished to meet them…
to watch as their faces lifted towards me,
alabaster blossoms to the crystalline moon, i
Wished that they would not shriek, cower,
In TERROR at my monstrous form, i WISHED!
that they would see-
i Wished to be them.
-and even now-
i am trapped…
for after the pain,
the flight and the loss-
the loss of life, the murder - the unlawful, the death of the innocent-
marring me for the monster they claim me to be-
There for me
in my galaxy
when I wake you up too early
when you’ve stayed up too late
in the house
you make me a better person
you believe in me
you know I can do it
even if I don’t
Staring out the window.
Another place, another time.
Scene after scene, do you see them too?
Bikes left on the curb. Leaves of trees rustling.
The soundtrack of our childhood.
Frolicking through the grass,
Hand in hand, side by side
Never to leave, never to forget.
Always together, stronger as one.
The landscape of leaving.
Promises shattered on the floor.
Collecting the shards, trying to make them fit.
How did they fit? How did they fit?
Looking over shoulders,
Fading out of sight.
Mismatched attempts to stay as we were.
Vows, promises, so many empty words.
Keeping us tied.
A lifeline. Writing everything we wish to say out loud.
One day, one day.
A surprise phone call.
Laughter, tears, “You must be kidding!”
The joy in your voice when I said I was making no jokes.
Do you remember too?
The almost rain.
Black and purple fabric flying behind as we ran.
Colors under a bridge.
Reveling in the togetherness, longed for for so long.
Cars. Leaving again.
Harder than before, now we knew what followed.
Letters, more this time.
Promises made and promises kept.
The string holding us together thickened to rope.
We grew strong again.
Our thoughts, fears, joys. Words upon words.
Weaving hundreds of one-page stories.
Meant to keep, meant to send.
Stronger than ever.
Never apart, not really
My hourglass, it cracked,
But it's my life,
Spilling out, It blows over like sand.
Its broken bonds reform.
Just like a clock,
And as the hand ticks down,
It slowly fades away.
And with that,
All pain and sadness fade away,
I'd love to wash it away.
For now, I'll see you off.
And as I wait for a new day,
I WISH I WAS "THERE"
Footsteps hard, pounding, punishing the pavement. Breaths fast and frantic, arms akimbo, limbs leaden, yet the woman pushed forwards with remarkable speed. Hair limp and straggly, cold gray eyes cast down, her mouth pursed in a thin, chapped line, she bashed her way through the throng on the city streets. Passers-by might not have noticed her, in her business suit and pumps, the speckles of spaghetti sauce still spattering her collar, a napkin peeking from her pocket bearing the insignia of one of the many high-class dining restaurants in the commercial district. She did not notice them but remained trapped in her mind while her body morphed into that of an animal, clawing and bashing to evade the crowds, seeking isolation and freedom. Within her mind, her memories pounded like a drum, like a code, whispering the secrets of her misery to only her.
There had been candlelight. A fine white cloth, gleaming silverware, plates laden with rich, fancy foods. The man in the suit across from her, angular face tilted, bearing a jack-o-lantern smile. He had made her laugh.
But she had had work to do, that morning, and so she had arrived late to their lunch date, still in work clothes, hand stained with ink. He waited patiently, eyes dark and thoughtful, had led her to their table. They had chatted, and she smiled, and he smiled back. He let out a loud laugh and did not care when the other diners laid down their cutlery to stare. His laugh was velvet, a fog bank - roiling and rich. Hers was the tinkle of shattering glass.
But their food was late as well, and she had gulped it down, fearing a late return to the office, while he nibbled and gazed away. They had chatted about business, and idle things, quick and friendly banter. Friendly. She had thought they were friends.
And then their check was late, and he had offered to pay. She had thanked him, smiling quickly.
And then he had offered to pay for everything, from now on, and from his pocket he had drawn a box. A ring. A ruby ring.
Her heart had plunged out of her body, into the abyss, as she had whispered to him, mortified, told him the truth. That they could never marry because he was her friend, nothing more. That she was already in love with someone else and it was not him, was not even his gender. That he had assumed too much. That he had waited too late to ask her. Until he was already plunging in love. He had assumed her love, until it was too late.
The pain, the betrayal, the fury. The plate of spaghetti, splattering across the floor. That furious face, blazing and raging like a jack-o-lantern turned dark, sadistic. How she had hurried away, hearing those shouts in her ears, furious and fast, until she was out the door and into the pulsing, clamoring street.
Now, her eyes burned with unshed tears. Fury, rage, and grief clawed within her, threatening to break free, to erupt in a violent explosion of human longing, human love. Human heartbreak.
She had rushed into love too early, in the past. She was still alive. But this time.. her heart churned, lungs whispering feebly for air that seemed just out of their reach.
This time, everything was too late.
Once upon a time there was darkness. There was a princess who watched over all the creatures who lived in the darkness. Her name was Moon. She was the only source of light in the darkness, though she did not feel it in her heart. Her skin beamed, but her soul was empty and lost. She was not sure why this was, but she was glad to give light to her creatures, even if she did not have any for herself. The creatures of the darkness appreciated her light, but were quiet and liked to hide.
Once upon a time there was life. There was a princess who watched over the creatures of the light. Her name was sun. She beamed with light from the center of her soul and through her chest and her arms and out through her skin. During the day, it was bright; there were bright happy colors and creatures jumped around her land with joy. During the night she slept, but her soul still beamed with light and happiness.
In the darkness, the Moon watched over her creatures as normal. It was a quiet night, and her creatures did not need much attention, so she looked up at the dark sky. Then, in the distance, she saw her. She was light too, except much, much brighter. “The light must be coming from her heart” she thought. She thought back to her bright skin, the only light in the dark sky. She had figured out where the light came from. It made her sad; the light was not her own, but simply reflected by the strange girl in the sky, who was beaming with light from the center of her soul.
One sleepless night, the Sun looked around the sky in boredom. She saw something in the distance, or someone rather. She noticed her looking back, staring. She looked sad. Her light was dull and shallow. She wanted to help. Sun sent a ray of her golden light over to the girl to say hello. She smiled, but it only lasted a moment.
Startled, Moon looked up. She saw this wisp of golden light. It was beautiful; she smiled. Though, she quickly figured out where it came from. She looked back at the girl smiling, but soon became jealous and went back to her usual expression. Still, the girl smiled back. “My name is Sun” she said cheerfully. “I’m Moon” she replied. That was the beginning.
Soon, Sun and Moon became the best of friends they talked and laughed. Moon was happy, she loved Sun, and Sun loved her back. Slowly but surely, Moon gained her own light. Unfortunately, this was a burden for her creatures. They liked the darkness and complained that it was too bright. The Moon made a hard decision, but released her light in pieces into the sky. She named them stars, and they twinkled and shined. She decided to make a sacrifice knowing the Sun had enough love for the both of them to fill her soul with light.