For when it’s early, And I can’t sleep.
And I decide to write.
When I decide to write my thoughts down
And they come rushing out as sad poems instead of tears.
A notebook to write my thoughts down at 3 am
as sad poems instead of tears.
I need a notebook for 3 in the morning.
For when it’s early, And I can’t sleep. And I decide to write. When I decide to write my thoughts down And they come rushing out as sad poems instead of tears. A notebook to write my thoughts down at 3 am as sad poems instead of tears.
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The only reason I want to change my name-
is so... Maybe, Just maybe, I can find myself again. Or for the first time or whatever... I don’t know. So I can Feel grounded Have an identity, Be me but maybe if I go on this journey (and transition) I can finally See myself in the mirror again. -Amani? “Who In was is Gone.”
And “I don’t know who I am supposed to be” so… “Who am I I don’t know ” I search as I stand in front of the mirror
but my eyes have lost, the glints and sparkles from when I was a kid. I look and I don't even know who I am- I don't recognize Anything... And I know it will be a long time before I recognize myself in the mirror Dedicated to my little cat Jane Pawsten:
they like to play, jump but mostly sit on their rump cats can be a grump they say the beach at night is calm,
and quiet. it's not, always, but tonight it is. it's calm, even as the children play in tide pools by the water, even as birds fly above, waiting for the girls to drop something to eat. it's quiet, even as the waves crash enough to scare me, even as you talk about the stars, which we know nothing of. it's calm, even as the water fizzes more than your champagne, even as the scattered strangers amble through the sand behind us. it's quiet, even as my mind asks the questions we can't answer, even as fireworks go off somewhere downshore, a whole month too late. they say the beach at night is calm, and quiet. it's not, always, but tonight it is. Dear Reader,
Flames cascaded across the rigid cliffside of which many a person lived. Smoke clouds carried through the sky, a desperate shout for help. The lour was a dark orange that never escaped. Rough, dark blue waves crashed into the cliffside at an alarming rate, while the beaches slept soundly without a soul to hold. Miles away a girl - seven years old - sat on a crowded beach. The sound of beachgoers filled the air, and a baby blue sky covered the land. She was carefully untying her shoes - per her mother's request - and carelessly tossing them behind her. The bleak white sneakers shone in the sun. She ran through the crowded landscape screaming, not from danger, but from a blissful innocence. The waves lapped slowly onto the warm sand that covered her feet. When she was finally worn out, she happily bathed in her orange bathing suit underneath the sun. With one hand she covered her face from the sun - a visor of sorts - and with the other she pushed herself into a partial sitting position. Cautiously her mother approached offering a bottle of sunscreen, and the girl bellowed in the wind as she remarked, "Only babies wear sunscreen, Momma!" Of course, her mother protested, and she proceeded to spray it on her without consent. The little girl feigned protest but laughed, and the mother smiled at her under the glistening sun. After the fleeting moment, the mother walked with purpose back to her chair, where she picked up her book and continued to read, while the girl played in the sand. When the sun had fallen down in the distance, and the sky turned a pink pastel color, the mother knew it was time to leave. At this time the girl had been in the water, playfully splashing other kids. When she caught her mother's eye, she immediately began to fuss, complaining that they hadn't been there long enough. Apparently, twelve hours wasn't enough. Alas, the mother picked the angry girl out of the water and back to their towel. Then, the girl placed on her white shoes, and laced them up tight, as her mother packed up their bag. She skipped away jubilantly toward the car, miles ahead of her mother. When she arrived, the mother carefully turned on the ignition, and slumped in her seat. As they slid out of the parking lot, the orange sky casually cascaded toward a midnight blue, and while watching the stars slowly fade into view, the little girl dozed off. An odd silence filled the air, so the mother looked back as a subtle smile crept from the sides of her lips, and she glanced back onto the road ahead. Their car crept up the driveway in the silent night, and a cold breeze travelled into the car as the mother sleepily walked out and picked up the child. Carefully, she carried her into their warm home, where she lay on the couch. With a gentle gesture, the mother lovingly kissed the top of her daughter's forehead, and with a languished sigh she followed her footsteps back to the car. Longingly, she glanced back at her sleeping child and sighed a sigh of defeat as she scowled at herself on her way back to the car. With a slight turn of her hand, the keys entered their slot, and the car revved up with force, back down the driveway. A melancholiness manifested itself behind her dry eyes as her child and her home faded into the rear view mirror. In her windows boarded up buildings towered over her, while trees swayed in a quiet dance behind her. Leaves flew in a dazzling array of dissonance, a puzzlingly cadence in the wind. The quiet breeze of a beginning autumn tumbled around her, while the summer air swept away. The car moved at a quick pace, but with careful patience. Swiftly, it drifted across the cliffside, where she had raised her daughter. While the shroudy mist of nostalgia flooded her mind, her car quickened down the cliff until a rocky terrace towered over her on her left, while waves cascaded slowly on her right. The night was young, but her dark circles and glazed face proved she wasn't. In the distance, a brilliant figure formed across the water. As it came into view, the beams and lights of the gargantuan bridge became clearer. Calmly turning on her turn signal, she travelled onto the seemingly empty bridge. A bright orange sign on the exit and entrance read "CLOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE", but with nonchalance she drove past the sign. Slowly the car came to a stop, as she veered to her right. When she turned off the ignition, she sat in her seat with both of her hands shaking, as her eyes wandered in front of her. In the bleak darkness, a figure sauntered into view. The sky enveloped around them, as if it were a coat tailored to them. A delicate smirk of satisfaction appeared on their face as they caught the woman's eye. Her porcelain eyes were glazed with defeat, and her mouth gaped involuntarily as the figure took another step. Her mind attempted to quell her quivering hands, but instead, her whole body began to rock with quacking force. "Hello," The figure spat with a smile. Fumbling over her words she quietly responded, "No." "Well, that's no way to greet a man," he said with a condescending tone. "I don't care anymore." "Well I do," He practically sang, cracking his knuckles. Within her a force emerged through her veins, and her body grew hot in the cool night. Ignoring her tormentor, she placed both of her hands on her car door, and opened it with ease. Without taking a pause, her skeletal gaze looked at him dead in the eyes. "Where is the package," she said without query. "Oh, little miss Widow is mad, I see," he snorted, and a suitcase materialized in his hands from behind his back. "Give it to me", she insisted, while a blazing inferno crept through her. "Do you really think you can speak to me like such a-, " he paused carefully deciding his next angle of attack, "an imbecile." Fire took shape in her laser eyes, as she stared through him and said, "I can talk to you however I want to. Now let me see the package." She watched his demeanor start to quiver under her fiery gaze, as she took another step toward him. "Fine," he rolled his eyes, "don't open it until you've gotten into your car." He said, throwing it at her. When she saw it flying through the air, she allowed it to hit her in the chest, as smoke billowed out of her. After reaching down and grabbing it, she grasped the suitcase firmly and shook it infront of her, listening to the contents, leering into his eyes. "No one likes a mad woman" he quipped. This time the smoke in her lungs couldn't be swallowed any more as she hurled herself toward him at a hasty rate. The suitcase plummeted to the ground, and it snapped open revealing thousands of dollars. The man had fallen to the ground, and he gawked at the inferno towering above him. She pinned him to the ground with ease, and mockingly whispered into his ears, "No one likes a mad woman." Startlingly, she carried him infront of her, like an offering to the gods, and she slowly walked toward the edge of the bridge. "No one likes a mad woman," she repeated somewhat to herself. Lifting the tiny man over her head, she started to scream, "That's no way to greet a man" she hissed. He pleaded softly, as his words fumbled over his mouth, gaping over the edge of the bridge. The waves began to cascade rigorously across the cliffside, as the crisp wind picked up speed. As if she were a force of nature, smoke began to spread on the horizon, and she looked up at him and met his eyes. "Have fun!" she smirked with a playfulness wrapped in a cloak of anger. Insanity flooded through her - dousing her flaming eyes. Slowing down, she rocked him carefully above her, taunting him with death. But her now conflicting mind, toyed with the idea of letting him survive. Slyly, he smiled. "I knew you couldn't do it." And now, the insanity in her eyes carried into her flaming veins, flooding through her into her hands and arms. With a quick motion, she threw him over the edge, and he wailed begging for pity. But, she only smiled at him, watching him flail. With a crafted vigor, she pranced over to his car. Quickly, she lifted the trunk, and stared into the darkness. As her eyes met the item of her desire, the fire within her continued to boil. She pulled out a can of oil, which read, "HIGHLY FLAMMABLE. USE WITH CAUTION." A mask of happyness washed over her face, as she poured the oil all around her. Beginning to regret what was happening, her hands quivered. However, over the horizon, the cloud of smoke only grew closer, and she knew the inevitable. Only now, the fire within her slowly faded. And bleak ruin was painted on her face. Within the ring of oil, she layed down, and spread her legs and arms. She laughed with emptiness, as her arms and legs moved as if she were making a fiery snow angel. When the smoke finally reached her, it blew her away with a loud chorus in the wind. The suitcase of money across from her was a mere afterthought while she shriveled. As she faded into the fire, she began to remember what she had tried to forget. Her daughter was still sleeping at home, covered under warm blankets and blissful naivety. Then, I woke up in a shivering cold, surrounded by flames. The blankets of ignorance that had kept me warm had turned to ash, as the air grew hot. Although I found safety, I never found you. Goodnight, Momma. Sincerely, an Orphan Read more letters on Nick's blog! I didn't know you all to well,
Saw you once every other year to letting you visit once a week, I hoped and hoped, that a miracle would happen, but this is the real world I don't know any magic I'm scared now, seeing you frail and boney You don't need to apologize for being tired, You made this dinner feel homely, I'm sorry I couldn't do enough I'm sorry I couldn't save you, Maybe in the end you can go somewhere nice. Someplace better than here. |
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