It’s a new year.
Help yourself.
Eat healthy.
Drink tea.
Sleep well.
Exercise intensely.
Study hard.
Breathe deep.
365 new chances.
Make each and every
One of them
Worth it.
With a final strike of the clock,
It’s a new year. Help yourself. Eat healthy. Drink tea. Sleep well. Exercise intensely. Study hard. Breathe deep. 365 new chances. Make each and every One of them Worth it.
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Secrets. Lies. Like a disease, they spread. I lied to them for him, but he lied to me for her.
I never lied before. I lie terribly. My face burns red, and my voice shifts higher. Anyone who knows me knows I can’t lie. They know I wouldn’t lie. They thought I wouldn’t lie. I always planned on coming clean. To release the original truth. I liked him, even if they didn’t. I wanted him in my life. I claimed it was validated in the beginning. They were being stubborn, so they forced me to lie. Maybe they were being stubborn. But lies are still lies. My secrets were never unfettered from my soul. And one lie (maybe even for a good cause) turned to two. And two lies turned to four (all the while becoming less justified). And four to eight. To sixteen. To thirty-two. To sixty-four. To one hundred twenty-eight. To a crushing mountain inside of my head. Excuses fumble around my brain for my own sanity. The excuses never even reach my lips. Cause my lies stay hidden and the mountain continues to crush me. Then his lies to me slip out. Just a pebble at first, but then an avalanche from his own mountain cascades over my mind, soul, heart. I’m hurt: feelings, innocence, trust. I’m bombarded with the lies and secrets I never knew he kept from me. Betrayal pummels me from above. The avalanche ends, but I fear one misstep will start it again. Boulders surround me in the rubble. I navigate through them, not knowing what could be on the other side. Not knowing what could still be lurking in the shadows that he prays I don’t notice. But I’m just as guilty as him. I keep from those who put their trust in me and my “honesty.” I continue piling onto my own mountain. And someday an avalanche will begin. Leaving others in destruction I have caused. “you’re so mean”
“you’re an idiot” “I hate you” Jokingly said to a Friend. frequently is “I Love you” excluded from conversations with Friends. I just as guilty as You. We guilty of treating hate as a joke. Emotions as a joke. We tease about “Liking” someone in elementary school and high school and college and adulthood. but don’t tease about hating someone. Why? can’t we talk about Love instead? do we hide from the Light? are jokes so much easier? is the taboo on the Positive? do we fear Love? hate - seen as easier than Love. Love means pressure mistakes hurt anger pain. but hate causes more of them all. “just a reminder, you’re Amazing” a sweet email from a Friend. “don’t forget: I Love you, bestie” a note in a locker from a Friend. “hey, Wonderful” a greeting from a Friend. do not fear or forget the Joy Comfort Kindness Freedom Support of Love. “Life is like two marbles,” he said. I turned to him, looking away from the city laid out before us. I waited for an elaboration. “Like… not marbles as in crazy. Marbles as in… people. Chasing after each other.” I still didn’t understand. He sighed in frustration. “You know those marble runs that kids play in at toy stores and doctors’ offices?” I nodded, still confused. Where was he going with this? “It’s like that. You drop two marbles in and one chases after the other. Sometimes a third comes up. Sometimes one of them falls out of step. But they both reach the finish line, you know? They reach it together. At least… most of the time.” He turned to me now, his brown eyes deep and sincere. “But I guess not always, right?”
“Yeah… not always.” We held eye contact for a moment more, still and silent and honest. Two marbles that had stopped going. “Do you ever feel like you don’t fit with the rest of the world?” The question surprised Marley; they had been still for so long, looking out at the murky blue water, that she’d forgotten Katherine was even there.
“What do you mean?” Katherine sat down lotus-style before elaborating and motioned for Marley to sit down too. She did. “Think about it like everybody’s their own blade of grass. The whole different- but-the-same junk and all works, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about that one blade of grass that’s been plucked too small by some little kid on the Fourth of July. Like, they’re just sitting there at some block party in the suburbs or something and they reach down and start picking at the grass.” Marley nodded, remembering doing just that mindlessly as a kid. “And sometimes you feel like that blade of grass? That’s been plucked too short?” Katherine sighed, breaking eye contact to look at the lake’s horizon. The sun had nearly set; it was that time between twilight and dusk that felt a little like the universe was holding its breath, ready to move on to the night but also not wanting to let go of the day. “I do,” she finally responded. “I really do.” They sat there for a seconds, Katherine looking out at the water and Marley looking over at Katherine, memorizing her. How her curly dark hairline peaked out above her ears, how her big brown eyes were so dark they were almost black, how when they met her frown lines were deeper than should be possible, how now they were just a little less defined. How sometimes she even looked really, genuinely happy. “You’re not, you know.” Katherine looked back at Marley, shaken out of deep thought and confused what she was talking about. “That is, you’re not ‘that blade of grass’. You fit in just right. At least... With me.” Katherine smiled a little, her expression soft and kind. “Thanks.” She began to stand up, reaching her hand out to pull Marley up too. “Come on, we should get going.” |
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