Long ago.
And I was an explorer,
And a daredevil,
And a dancer,
And I sang so the heavens could hear me.
(And there might have been a ninja princess in there somewhere, but I
really couldn’t be sure,)
Long ago.
I was a Discoverer,
Of galaxies and microbes and reeking acids
Of prose and poetry.
I rode great grey beasts with trunks like tentacles in a land far away;
I laid eyes on a tale of wonder and refused to lift them;
I sallied forth bravely, brashly, unaware and determined,
I dreamed of dinosaurs and dragons alike, I counted and I stumbled
my way through that first haiku, before I knew that it would change my life.
I was one before I knew that there were two kinds of people -
A math and an english,
A popular and a weird,
Us and Them.
I was one,
Long ago.
And then,
My travels brought me to a land where I knew nothing,
And no one,
And still I rode on,
Until I had left it behind.
And if the raucous beat of my footsteps had grown a little quieter,
The tempo of my fever to
Learn, to live, to laugh
A smidge slower,
No one saw,
Not even me.
Somewhere in amongst this vagarious path,
An idea sprang to my mind:
I.
Could.
Write.
The idea flickered - formed -
Birthed from a jumbled scrawl and a waterfall of mirages,
cascading dreams
The next land was strange,
Because it became home.
And slowly, though nothing was wrong,
My science shriveled away
Into festering loathing;
My passion for the dinosaurs and microbes and chemicals,
Seeking and Taking,
Became little-thought-of dreams,
Claimed by a sense of duty, to-do.
Exhaustion and Self-Doubt forced my spry limbs into an iron restraint,
Closeted my froggy voice,
Until it withered away like the pulp of a branch
In winter
That was Long Ago,
And this was Now.
I planted a garden,
Of fear, watched
It stem and grow around me,
Until I was caged.
I built walls,
From the loneliness forged during long hours,
Around my heart.
I walked myself,
On a leash, around my new life,
Careful not to get too close
Only words and kindness could tempt me,
And sometimes, kindness held poison inside.
I settled,
Until I became me.
Would I trade myself,
for old dreams?
Once, I was a scientist;
Long ago.
And I was an actress,
And a naturalist,
And an athlete,
I spoke my mind without malice or menace-
And I was going to march forwards, bravely,
Into my world.
But that was then,
This is now,
And if I know anything, it is that, really, I do not control
What Will Be.